When Enough is Enough?

When do you start saying NO!
STOP!!! Enough is Enough!

When is it OK to compromise? And when is it OK to sacrifice?

Why shouldn't be all balanced at all time? They say communicate, but how to communicate if one is deaf to the speech, weeps and pain?

"Insensitive!!!"

Is he? really? how to believe? is he really this man I loved so much!! Is he capable of such great hurt...

I'm not sure?! confused for months, out of balance...shaky.....It was alienating!

I heard him many times accusing me of being the predator of our fights: " you're abusive! you abuse me! you hurt me!"screaming at me, and this is when the worst would come out of him! he would attack me verbally saying to most horrible down words possible, destroying any self confidence, or joy in me... 

I frankly found his behavior very disturbing and totally irrational!! trying to control the situation, manipulating me, making me feel guilty because I refused his mean and hurtful comments. I would spend hours, days thinking about it doubting myself as a woman, a professional, a mom, a human being. He would attack any little side in me to just extinguish all life in it!! It was suffocating, it created a panic status and several panic attacks. I couldn't breath, there was a powerful energy inside of me repelling all of this refusing it, the greave over such destruction of our beautiful life, the chance that we had for being happy together.  We actually had everything we needed, love, health, money, a future I thought, and he was killing it!!
All of these recurrent horrible and cruel words were meant to hurt me purposely, to make me weak to control my emotions. He just felt stronger! the more he would put me down, the more he would feel in control! I think he took pleasure seeing me weak so he could control me better. I felt raped every day till I got used to it... I got used to the rape of my soul... How cruel is this...
He was continuously destroying me and making my life a living hell everyday now, not caring how much my health was deteriorating. I had hot flashes as if someone had poured hot oil on me from head to toe, I had cold sweat attacks, followed by panic attacks, developing cholesterol, ulcer, and just general weakness in my muscles. I follow a strong martial art training which kept me going, Thank God!! it was my only way out!!!
I just kept going, keeping up with my only escapade from my misery, my workout!
The truth is always hard to see from the inside and and even more to accept!
Weaker and weaker everyday, I didn't have the energy to fight back anymore, I got used to the abuse and lived for other things disregarding the dis-functionality of my couple!
I hid it from my friends, my family and even from myself!
The worse part is that we were not alone, we were three, my daughter Amelia (12 y, from previous marriage)

lived with us and heard most of the fights... The tension he would create in the household would terrorize us. We lived in fear. He could just erupt as a volcano at anytime and ruin any simple pleasurable moment. For example we would be having the most common time, like watching a family movie on a sunday night, we were not allowed to move or speak or use the bathroom while the movie was on. He would just snap!! and stop the movie, making us feel bad as if we did something really wrong and ruined the moment!! to him he was never the predator of negative energy, but we were!!! There was absolutely no way he could relate to the fact that he's terrorizing us!! for him we were the ones disturbing the movie from running!
I tried many time to speak my mind calmly, with reason, asked friends and family to transmit the message of peace. There was NO way for him to understand. He would get even more aggravated...The situation was from bad to worse.
The emotional abuse he would use against us was intolerable, I had to do something!! 

At first my thoughts were for my daughter Amelia (12 years old) I've raised with love and care, to whom I've taught kindness respect and three languages (I'm so proud of her :)!). He was destroying everything we've had:
each other!
She started resenting me and feeling always stressed from coming back home...I felt the threat and the fear of losing her...

We had lived all together for 4 years. I've had two years where i compromised all I had worked for before I met him, and for two more I've sacrificed myself and almost my daughter's sake!
But why? Why did I go so wrong???

Well because I was just too afraid to let go! I was too proud, I was afraid from solitude and the feeling of ffailure, disappointment. I would rather live in terror than lonely and miserable was my reasoning then.

I was SOOOO Wrong!!!

I just couldn't find the strength I needed to get out of there, till we've both as a couple destroyed everything we had, the love, the respect for each other and almost a child's future.
Why?? did I stay for so long?? why was I so attached to this destroying relationship! what was there I loved so much! why do I still have those feelings for him, how can I still love a monster?

I just didn't believe I could be happy alone. Just didn't believe in ME!
I've pulled all what was left in me of courage and I've asked him to leave!
(...)
Painfully he left 3 months ago.
At first I couldn't manage my thoughts I was even more scared and confused! I needed to be convinced, even with all the painful time we had I still emotionally wasn't convinced I was doing the right thing. But everyday when my daughter would come back from school her smile would change my vision. At night we would cook dinner together and enjoy our time without the fear of being rejected or yelled at. We were in peace, finally a normal dinner :)!
The humming bird was there for 3 months. I kept asking myself the same questions, beating my-self up everyday over and over and over again, trying to remember, to understand -
 I needed to know I wouldn't repeat the same mistakes again! I thought if I could find the source of the failure I'd be certain to avoid it.
How?

Isn't it by trying to understand, analyzing,  pealing layers, digging deeper, writing a journal, keeping track is the way? Go back to it and repeating the process, keep doing the same thing again, and again and again...till infinity, till we understand..."l'histoire de l'homme se repete" (history repeats itself)
Then one day I just got bored...I found myself just redundant....So I've made the decision to move on!!!!
I've decided to stop!!
"Come on, repeat after me: S-T-O-P"!!

I've stopped  beating myself up in analyzing my mistakes because I know what they are now!! I still don't know what made me make them, frankly I don't need to know anymore!! I just need to know I'm capable of recognizing my weaknesses and faults in me I need to adjust. I am who I am, I just need to accept myself and my mistakes.
Today I'm piling all of them in one sack, tagging it the sack of shit!!
Leave it to dry itself up while I'm having fun starting a new life :)!
I won't let my mistakes dry me up while trying to find the mystery behind!! (Pufff!)

I'm free, accepting my faults and who I am this  is my biggest reward.
I am confident I've done the best for myself today, I've learned a lesson.

Speak your fears your pains your sorrows and never hide your joy!! 

I've decided to go on towards only what I like and totally reject what I don't like, no more!
Enough is Enough!

We are human and we have a brain, what's the point in digging if what we're looking for is part of what we'll never find? for God's sake we have a brain that barely functions, take it easy on yourselves!

I've decided to leave the unknown for the unknown and just listen to my body.

I want to only listen to my heart, to the beat of each pulse, to my breath, to my laughs and my weeps too. 

Yes I will hurt again and I will love again because this is who I am: HUMAN

I will never compromise nor sacrifice, I will communicate only to the one who listens.

Yes you should speak your mind always, who cares will listen, challenge, share opinion, might try to convince or to control your thoughts, but the one who listens with care will hear your pain, your fear, your pulse, your breath first and will only share if you allow them.

I can move on now because I WANT TO!

I love my daughter, I love my friends and my family. I want to be happy for them and for me :) too.

So I'm here, with a smile on my face taking it day by day, loving my time, cherishing each moment,  and expecting nothing but the same for everyday: PEACE & LOVE

to our daughters and sons